How long has she been taking you apart? Scalpel’s gleaming grin chilling your heart? “It’s not you,” she says, “but stay a while, for the spilled guts and blood and bile”.
A Polaroid of your gory break-up scene is sticky-taped firmly to your brain. And no matter how hard and fast you shake your head – up and down, side to side, faster, repeat - it just won’t fall off. Enter Breakuphelpline.com, a brand new service that “guarantees” to make you move on after a failed relationship, at a modest Rs 2,500 for a four-week program! And if that doesn’t help (they highly doubt it), they’ll work on you for free until that bloody Polaroid falls off. Moving on.
This unusual service was launched a week ago by a 25 year-old marketing executive named Ankit – he prefers to leave his last name out of the break-up mess - who says the idea was triggered by a reading of Chocolate_Guitar_Momos and being dumped one too many times. He works with a team of ‘side-effect managers’ —two professional psychologists, one banker and one assistant film director —to help mend broken hearts not just in India, but all over the world. So far, this Mumbai-based setup has close to thirty clients from across the globe.
How It Works
Send them your sob story via the ‘Contact US’ section, and within 24 hours, the managers at Breakuphelpline.com reply with a ‘we’re here to sympathise’ note. bpb sent a test drive email with a break-up story involving an ex (also a colleague) who we have to share office space with. What we received was a surprisingly personal email that didn’t sound like a template, but like a friend. It was full of practical tips on how to act around “him” at the office; three typos (yes we can be ungrateful sometimes); a recommendation list of cheer-up movies and TV shows to watch; and even a weekend tip that suggested we shouldn’t waste our time watching Bollywood film Cocktail. And this consult is free.
Next come the more hardcore questions that probe into your last two or three relationships – how long were you together, what went wrong etc. The answers to these are analysed by the side effect managers, who, in true Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-style, promise to help you erase painful memories. They don’t have Lacuna Inc technology, but they claim to have a tried-and-tested algorithm.
This is followed by four weeks of regular Skype sessions (or email if you’re more comfortable with that), venting feelings and focusing on hobbies. The third week is all about moving on, which involves taking Stability Tests, grooming tips if required and how to go on your first post-break-up date. We hear there’s even a surprise gift and a Skype party to celebrate your moving on. Like we mentioned before, if you haven’t been able to get over your ex after four weeks, they’ll continue with free consultation.
Love Me Do
While their website seems professional and updated with break-up videos and pictures of the day, skip the editorial posts which need some serious proof-reading. But all in all, we think Breakuphelpline.com may just be a good virtual shoulder to cry on, especially when you consider the well-priced four week program at Rs 2,500. That’s like what, four whiskeys, when you translate it into currency used in that place called rock bottom.
Cheers to getting out (of) there!